Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Every once and a while, a good tease and, in general, a good sorostitute will find herself in a predicament. You see, it is highly likely that the tease is playing more than one frat daddy. Likewise, when the weekend comes around and both men have inquired about your whereabouts, situations get a little tight. How must a good sorostitute choose between slampieces? Here are a few guidelines that we at http://sorostitutestories.blogspot.com/ follow:
1.) Ask yourself which fraternity is more powerful?
· Every good sorostitute knows that powerful fraternities on campus= powerful men in bed. Give him the reigns for one sack session and he will blow your mind… that is if you don’t blow his first.
2.) Do I want to date him or slam him?
· Some fratties come with emotions and baggage. If you just want to get in and out avoid these men as much as possible. If you are looking for something more reliable (aka a “buddy”) then try the emotionals. Sure, they’ll drive you crazy with the constant phone calls and texts, but at least you will not have to increase your numbers…
3.) Will he make me do any of his chores?
· Some frat daddies are just flat out douchebags, and that is why we love them. There is something about them that just makes us sorostitutes want to iron their clothes and make them sandwiches. If you’re not in the mood to do such things, avoid them at all costs.
4.) How many of his brothers have a hooked up with?
· Pretty straightforward. Nobody wants to be a whore.
5.) How many of my sisters has he hooked up with?
· Again, you really don’t want to seem like a whore.
6.) How far is the walk of shame?
· Something to consider when comparing two men. Shorter walks in highly crowed Greek Row lose to longer walks through ordinary neighborhoods.
7.) Who is better in bed?
And so it is, sometimes we must pick and choose between boys… but hey, someone’s gotta do it!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Reminded me of a certain sorority on campus. They get gorgeous girls just like we do, but in a very certain mold. Having a very easily identified type of girl is helpful to these chapters...until the fake IDs and nights out, as well as over-slamming get to them. By the time they hit the end of junior year they look...like shit. And then people know them as 1/2 pretty and 1/2...."sweet". (Ask Southern Belle what calling someone 'darling' or 'sweet' means).
How do you avoid this? Diet. Exercise.
(Fortunately this Slampiece doesn't need to do either, but you do.)
I don't know why you would let anyone ever see you eat (Tease hasn't been seen eating since 2007). BUT if you must, here is your shopping list:
- Diet Coke
- Evian Water (Fiji is for GDI's)
- Addy (Adderal)- OK you don't buy this, you get an RX but its just as necessary.
- 100 calorie packs
- Baking Supplies-so you can bake and maintain Frat Relations
- Drunk food for Functional Alc and/or your Frat Daddy (lock this up during the week- no temptations!)
- Whipped Cream
Done. That's it. If you go on a date that can be your meal/carbs for the week because what Fratty wants you to waste his money? Oh, right, all of them.
- Wear Nike running shorts and date party tee's as often as possible- at least you look like you are fit
- Make a point to wear block letters to the gym. Especially since then only greek's will be allowed to speak to you
- Bring a Cosmo, Vogue, or Southern Living and jump on the elliptical. Don't get off until you're so tired you think that leggings as pants sound as cute the article says they do.
- Slamming, duh. Just an hour of hooking up can burn almost 100 cal's! No excuses now ;)
- If you don't fit into your XS bid day shirt, whip out the Amex Black card and buy yourself a personal trainer to yell at you until you do.
Do what you must but avoid the Freshman 15 at all costs.
No excuses- Srat like a champion.
Until next time,
(708): having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The moment in life when a fratdaddy graduates is a sad day, but there exists no reason to delete his number. You should never delete a number that could be of use in the future. The appropriate response to a fratdaddy graduating is to now save his number as though he is a business contact by using his full name so John Theta Chi now becomes John Smith. I mean how awkward would it be if John were to come in town for a tailgate, wanted to grab a drink with you so he texts, and you have to ask who it was…that would be insulting and he’d have every right to cancel. You have just successfully lost face time with a fratdaddy with not only daddy’s money, but now making his own money.
For example I made this grave mistake once because in changing fratberries a new number of an older fratdaddy was lost and replaced with his old one, I know I can’t believe I let this happen either. This sir texted and invited me to a sporting event…of course like every good sorostitute I have knowledge of sports to converse with fratdaddies so I was interested, but needed to think about who the sir was I would be attending with. Luckily the fratdaddy was an old family friend so he was a good sport about it, but asking who was texting me was unbelievably embarrassing. Can you imagine if it had been a fratdaddy you once were pursuing not just a friend?
This also applies to the inevitable sad day when you leave the sorority world for the real one…those numbers will still be of use to you. A fratdaddy always has a place in your phone. He may be a business contact, fundraising buddy, or assistance to your background check you're running on a fratdaddy that you or your fellow sorostitute is pursuing.
Lesson learned today: never delete a fratdaddies number…unless you have it memorized which is another post itself.
While sipping my morning mimosas during my spinning class I reflected yesterday’s events. A well-known fratdaddy texted me at a respectable 1pm. My first thought, “This cannot be good.” Believe it or not, I was wrong. This fratdaddy was exuding all the social graces I would expect from an Officer and a Gentleman. He actually listened to my drunken babbling and attempted to engage in a sober converstation (obviously, I was not stone cold sober, but I digress). I immediately called upon my most trusted sorostitutes who came to my aid at the sorosticastle.
Slampiece – “Jump his bones, or I will.”
Tease – “It’s a game. Play along. But never let him win.”
Southern Belle – “Aww, put on your favorite Lilly dress. Give him a chance, especially if he has a southern drawl.”
Mom – “A hookup background check is needed, but more importantly you must maintain frat relations.”
As I much as I appreciate their advice, I used my alcohol saturated brain to come to my own conclusion: Fratdaddies come and go, but do not be offended, I still adore you almost as much as my new Range Rover HSE LUX and that’s saying a lot. However the only dependable sirs in my life are named Morgan, Jack and Jose.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Here’s a few pointers for any sorostitute who finds herself below the Mason Dixon Line and feeling out of place.
Sweet Tea- drink it, own it, love it. If you are below the Mason Dixon Line, you must drink sweet tea. If you don’t like it, order half sweet/half unsweet and blame it on the calories.
Chick fil a- it aint real if its in the north. It used to be a jewel in the south but the north has stolen it, so now the only true chicken and biscuits in the south come from Bojangles.
Cowboy boots- they match everything. Don’t ask me if it’s acceptable to wear them with that sundress because the answer is always yes.
Lilly dresses- get one, it will go perfectly on daddy’s amex. There are plenty of fakes out there so take your pick but it better be good because I (and every other good southern belle) can spot a bad fake Lilly from a mile away.
Jack Rogers- this is a staple in every southern sorostitutes wardrobe. Jack Rogers look good on everyone, with every outfit, and next to every frat daddy’s Sperrys. Its hard to find fakes so good luck, but if you do, more power to you (and feel free to share the knowledge with the rest of us).
Rainbows- when you are hung over the next morning and you go to put on your nike running shorts and your TKE toga party tshirt, every southern belle must have her go to rainbows to slip on her perfectly tanned and manicured feet.
Accents- own it. If you have a southern accent, take it as God’s blessing, but if you don’t then please don’t give me a headache with your sad attempt to cover up your Midwestern slurs.
Vineyard Vines- every southern belle needs an embroidered whale. www.vineyardvines.com work on it.
College football- a proper southern belle has an entire closet designated only for her tailgating attire in the colors of her school. dresses, skirts, and tops. Tailgates are a fashion show for all the southern sorostitutes to show off their fashion knowledge and school support, often sporting a pin with their sorority on it. If you are truly a southern belle, you will NEVER repeat a tailgate outfit, and save the jeans and tshirts for basketball season.
Monograms- how many things to you have monogrammed? Your towels, your koozies, your drink ware, your longchamp and your vineyard vines tote? Get to work because if you questioned any of the previously mentioned items you have a lot of monogramming to do.
Koozies- keep at least two koozies in your bag at all times. No one likes a warm beer (sorry functional alcoholic, it’s the south and tailgates don’t come with wine and cocktails). So update your koozie collection with koozies containing fraternity letters, your sorority symbol (don’t drink in your letters, its tacky), your initials (monograms duh), and all things classy.
Also, clean your mouth out with soap. No southern fratty wants to hear a southern belle hollering dirty words. Be polite, put on a smile (whiten your teeth first), and always stay classy.
"Let's hear it for the assholes. Let's hear it for the douchebags. Let's here it for the scumbags."
Douchebags. Assholes. We love them. We spend hours talking to them over text, in person and on fb. We spend twice that much time dissecting what they say and do, what's on their twitter or fb. They, on the other hand, have it down to a science. They have books about The Game. They are aloof and cool- gaining your attention. Then they make contact, immediately hooking you in. The rest of your srat crew rushes in and tells you everyone he's ever dated, rumored hookups, where he's from and how much $ he has. Then, when you finally decide you will go for it back, they become huge assholes. But only until you deflect. Then, they do as little as possible to reel you back in. Then- ASSHOLE.
Its a cycle. We spend hours lamenting, bitching about fratdaddies and their games. We want nice guys. Puppies! FALSE. We wouldn't know what to do with a nice boy if we found one. What are flowers without an apology? What is a hookup without the 'makeup'? A Tiffany's Classic Setting is made to be wrapped around your finger, not a fratdaddy.
And unfortunately, that's exactly what we love about them.
edit: just so you know, we are just waiting for the male 1/2 of our generation to grow into their Sperry's
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Evidently, it is a matter of Yurman vs. Swarovski when it comes to a tease choosing a boyfriend/monogamy over the chasing/leaving lifestyle. Like Yurman, boyfriends take care, research, and dedication. Once you buy that cable wire bracelet, you’ve invested $2,200 in a piece you hope will not go out of style-- more or less look anything less than perfect at all times. Boyfriends and crushes must always look, act, and attend perfectly. Swarovski is casual wear. There is insignificant investment and it can be purchased on impulse using your Black Amex. Chasing and leaving boys is just as impulsive as swiping for those crystals. Little is lost and little is gained; yet, all are relatively fun and good-looking.
So, here is to investing, taking a chance, wishing for the best, and hoping that cable bracelet dangles on my wrist in the most perfect of fashions. Until the next slampiece comes around I am taking a break and setting goals. Higher standards always begin here.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A posse of sorostitutes is not complete without a functional alcoholic. There are many responsibilities that fall on a functional alcoholic, all are important for different reasons and I'll outline a few key ones. If you can’t figure them out, that’s unfortunate for you. I have other things to do, like be in a bar.
Never blackout, only brownout.
- The difference? When you blackout, you feel like your life is straight out of a bad mystery novel and you’re two seconds from enlisting Sherlock Holmes to help you put the tatters of your life back together.
- When you brownout, you may not be able to give a play-by-play depth analysis of the evening, but one little reference will spark a conscious stream of events.
With great knowledge, comes great responsibility.
- You remember that a fellow sorostitute talked to a GDI for approximately 3 minutes before realizing he was not a fratdaddy, just a wannabe. You MUST inform her of this grave mistake. As painful as it is, she needs to learn a lesson. Additionally, you must assure her that her secret is safe with you and no one else witnessed this horrendous sight. In other words, lie to her face.
Art of Frattabbing.
- Alcohol can be expensive, but that’s why you must maintain good relations with fratdaddies who are regular frattabbers. When asked what you’re drinking, respond: “whatever you’re drinking, (insert name or endearment of choice here).” If he insists he will order whatever you want, pick diet soda and alcohol of choice.
- The alcohol you choose says a lot more than you think…
- Vodka – Classic stand-by choice, don’t think you’ve won me yet
- Rum – I’m worth your time, stick around, if not, I’ll find other. NBD
- Tequila – I’ll be going home with you, hopefully with some clothes
- Whiskey – I’m frisky/desperate. Come get me fratdaddies!
- If he’s a true fratdaddy he’ll know that if he orders you a rail mixed drink or a sugary, calorie laden drink you’ll excuse yourself to the ladies room and dump out that shit. To keep your frattabber wrapped around your flawlessly manicure finger, you must employ all the social graces of a true sorostitute.
Functionality in heels
- You must be able to pose, walk, dance, and run in heels while hammered. That’s a functional alcoholic does. You do not sit. You do not slip. You do not fall. Ever.
Drink fratwaters sparingly.
- Beer is liquid bread and I haven’t eaten carbs since 2007.
- If you MUST drink beer to defend your title as Queen of Beer Pong use your mixed drink. It’ll show you’re a sorostitute who can hold her booze.
Drunk Food for your fratdaddy
- Never buy drunk food. Always go home and make something from scratch for your fratdaddy that involves using the stove, or an open flame. It shows your competency as a functional alcoholic and future slampiece.
Finally, HYDRATE while you dehydrate
- Mix your alcohol with vitamin-enriched drinks like Powerade Zero, Propel or Vitamin Water. It balances out all the nutrients that alcohol flushes out. This is how you prevent a hangover...popping 2-3 ibuprofens won't hurt either.
Being a functional alcoholic isn’t easy. Alcohol takes a toll on your body and mind but for my sorostitutes, I gladly take on the challenge.
Speaking of challenges…
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Labor Day, for you GDI's, means Greek life goes OOT (Out of Town).
- Pick up some Fratdaddies from wherever your staying for me
- Don't forget your Jack Rodgers, Southern Belle!
- Functional Alcoholic- It's your job to know what time liquor stores and bars close where you are
- Mom- own it.
- Everyone- Sundresses and Pearls
Thursday, September 2, 2010
In most groups of friends the mom is an awful title however in the world of sorostitute this is not true. Mom may be the one dragging your ass home at night, but that just so she can make it to her fratdaddies place without worrying about you screwing up the sorority’s reputation for the rest of the night. The mom’s number one goal like the mother of any good family is maintaining the group’s reputation.
Mom is an earned title in a group of slampieces. She tends not to be a younger member that is there making sure people don’t drink too much and whining that you shouldn’t be flirting with yet another fratdaddy, that’s just a Debbie Downer (that most likely if she doesn’t shape up will end up being a GDI). Mom is an older wiser sister that has been around the campus to know what’s up. She’s there to make sure that a sister is also upholding the rules.
What mom knows and why you should listen:
1. She is just like your real mom at home in saying, “You’re wearing that?” or no response to “how do I look”. Meaning:
a. That outfit is insanely unflattering making you fat
b. The outfit is too slutty and make you look like a desperate GDI
c. That outfit is too grandma and will not attractive an acceptable fratdaddy, unless he has a thing for cougars
Thus you should change unless you’re feeling like being the responsible sister that won’t be flirting with fratdaddies for the night.
2. When she snaps her finger that means straighten up and fix your hair because you’re getting sloppy.
3. A finger snap with a death glare means shut the hell up about whatever you’re discussing because the topic is an in-sorority matter only or the person you were talking to can’t be trusted.
4. She’s been the one to cry at the bar and be taken home (and people still talk about it) so when she tells you it is time to go she means it.
5. She does know what she is talking about when referencing the fratdaddies on campus…you think they’ve changed, but they haven’t. If they guys her age are still actively in the frat, it can’t have changed too much. Such as the pompous frat is still pompous, but now pompous bros.
6. She can get the info on a guy you’re talking to faster than you can say his full fraternity name.
7. She will remind you that the fratdaddy you’re with has hooked up with certain members of your chapter. Depending on the depth of the previous interaction she may still encourage your time with the fratdaddy.
8. She will be there to comfort you when you find out that a frat talks just as much, most likely more than, a sorority and the thus the whole frat knows who you’ve gotten on.
9. She will tell you to forget about that and accept gossiping frat boys as a fact of life.
10. Most importantly she will encourage you after everything to back after a fratdaddy…because no matter the effect on you one must always, always, always think about Frat Relations…and what is for the good of the chapter is what’s best.