A posse of sorostitutes is not complete without a functional alcoholic. There are many responsibilities that fall on a functional alcoholic, all are important for different reasons and I'll outline a few key ones. If you can’t figure them out, that’s unfortunate for you. I have other things to do, like be in a bar.
Never blackout, only brownout.
- The difference? When you blackout, you feel like your life is straight out of a bad mystery novel and you’re two seconds from enlisting Sherlock Holmes to help you put the tatters of your life back together.
- When you brownout, you may not be able to give a play-by-play depth analysis of the evening, but one little reference will spark a conscious stream of events.
With great knowledge, comes great responsibility.
- You remember that a fellow sorostitute talked to a GDI for approximately 3 minutes before realizing he was not a fratdaddy, just a wannabe. You MUST inform her of this grave mistake. As painful as it is, she needs to learn a lesson. Additionally, you must assure her that her secret is safe with you and no one else witnessed this horrendous sight. In other words, lie to her face.
Art of Frattabbing.
- Alcohol can be expensive, but that’s why you must maintain good relations with fratdaddies who are regular frattabbers. When asked what you’re drinking, respond: “whatever you’re drinking, (insert name or endearment of choice here).” If he insists he will order whatever you want, pick diet soda and alcohol of choice.
- The alcohol you choose says a lot more than you think…
- Vodka – Classic stand-by choice, don’t think you’ve won me yet
- Rum – I’m worth your time, stick around, if not, I’ll find other. NBD
- Tequila – I’ll be going home with you, hopefully with some clothes
- Whiskey – I’m frisky/desperate. Come get me fratdaddies!
- If he’s a true fratdaddy he’ll know that if he orders you a rail mixed drink or a sugary, calorie laden drink you’ll excuse yourself to the ladies room and dump out that shit. To keep your frattabber wrapped around your flawlessly manicure finger, you must employ all the social graces of a true sorostitute.
Functionality in heels
- You must be able to pose, walk, dance, and run in heels while hammered. That’s a functional alcoholic does. You do not sit. You do not slip. You do not fall. Ever.
Drink fratwaters sparingly.
- Beer is liquid bread and I haven’t eaten carbs since 2007.
- If you MUST drink beer to defend your title as Queen of Beer Pong use your mixed drink. It’ll show you’re a sorostitute who can hold her booze.
Drunk Food for your fratdaddy
- Never buy drunk food. Always go home and make something from scratch for your fratdaddy that involves using the stove, or an open flame. It shows your competency as a functional alcoholic and future slampiece.
Finally, HYDRATE while you dehydrate
- Mix your alcohol with vitamin-enriched drinks like Powerade Zero, Propel or Vitamin Water. It balances out all the nutrients that alcohol flushes out. This is how you prevent a hangover...popping 2-3 ibuprofens won't hurt either.
Being a functional alcoholic isn’t easy. Alcohol takes a toll on your body and mind but for my sorostitutes, I gladly take on the challenge.
Speaking of challenges…