Stories for slampieces

Sunday, August 29, 2010


Sometimes boyz suck. There is no other way to describe it. You put yourself out there basically begging them to fuck your bones dry and then they leaving you hanging for a beer with their bros. Fortunately, we have class on our side. Sorostitutes know when and how to turn a “turned down” situation into an opportunity. Like tonight for example, a fucking GDI begged me last night to come over and “chill” when in reality he couldn’t resist this for one second. He ignored my texts today. WHY??? Because I drunk texted him first. I broke the rule. My intoxicated brain said fuck the first thing that comes to your mind and that’s about it. So here we are with nobody to blame but myself.

Boyz are the most tricky and ultimate essence of a sorostitute. Nothing completes us like wrapping a guy around our finger and making him bow down to us just for a little BJ. WE OWN THIS SHIT. Our territory is whom we’ve fucked and who we’ve had our eye on for the last week. It’s the guy on our radar (and the one right after that) that makes us tick. Make them fall in love and leave them hanging. Had I listened to my inner sorostitute I would’ve been drunk sexting some little fucker right now instead of whining over the small dick that didn’t text me back. Am I angry? Yes. Am I defeated? In your dreams, bitch.


They say misery loves company. Or at least that is what a proper sorostitute says when she loves them and leaves them. The beauty of being a sorostitute is that you have an excuse to break hearts (and cheap sunglasses) as if they were going out of style. Being a heart breaker is hard work, mostly for the sake of our reputations. That is where the fizzle comes in handy. The fizzle is the oldest known trick for sorority girls used primarily to keep first-class frat relations. It starts by slowly lessening communications between two parties mainly girl and boy. Well, actually attractive girl and lucky boy. Leaving a text without a response or “accidentally” not answering every other phone call until they all go answered is the key factor into fizzling perfectly. Meanwhile, dumb boys think you are busy and don’t put two and two together until all communication (sex) ends. The fraternity brothers don’t find out about it until you have moved on to the next brother (or for a lower blow the next fraternity.) Every tease can fizzle to perfection but must be careful not to fizzle too soon or too harshly. More importantly, she must provide her sisters with the utmost care and monitoring as they too fizzle or are getting fizzled. Once again sorostitutes prevail as pretty little liars.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Being a Label Whore

At the expense of sounding a little Breakfast Club, every group of friends has their girl who fits a certain label. Likewise, every clan of sorostitutes has theirs as well: the slampiece, the tease, the mom, the virgin, the alcoholic, etc. Some have multiples of each while others tell the mom to scram if she becomes annoying. Group dynamics depend on this label-whoring for the sole purpose of looking out for each other. More importantly, it gives us a sense of purpose in our social lives, and if all works perfectly allows you to walk over any group of bitches that tries to out-drink, out-bitch, and out-sex you. By taking our labels seriously, not only do my sorostitutes run this place, but we also do it with grace and class.

Being the tease is by far one of the most entertaining and risky jobs in the group. Not only does it put you at risk for false rumors about being the slut but it can also put off future dating prospects, particularly frat boyz. Kiss one of these babies and 60 men know within twelve hours. Make it good and you can walk all over the hotties, make it bad and sorostitution reign is over. That is where the art of the text message comes into play. Every good tease knows that guys suck at texting. They just don’t get that one dirty text can get you laid in a heartbeat and that waiting too long between replies means she is already onto the next boy. The teases job is to make sure all texting between parties (different frats or two frat brothers) remains confidential…

Nobody likes to admit to sexting. Confidentiality is key when playing more than one boy, so sexting is by far the way to go. The science is simple: talk dirty, lead them on, threaten to ruin their lives if anyone finds out. Any GDI would flat blank just ask to fuck. Fratties on the other hand like to get you to say it first. Never in a million years would any proper sorostitute give in to the temptation, especially for a first timer. The tease’s job is to help her sisters figure out just how far they can push a guy to the edge before you get to sex their brains out. Gladly, I made some simple rules that usually work:

1. No nude pics (I shouldn’t even have to explain this because it is for GDIs and whores)

2. Never drunk text first (sorostitutes are never desperate because they can have more than one guy at a time)

3. It’s all about the chase (never let him admit he likes you because that gives you permission to chase someone else; always text as though you are pursuing one another)

4. If he didn’t seal the deal by midnight, continue to text him all night—ALONE. (Everyone knows that once a girl says no the guy just texts the next on the list; be sure to take up his time by pretending you will go over to his place after hours but let him know you mean business by turning him down after it’s too late)

5. Keep it classy, keep it sassy. (don’t ever say anything that will haunt you because sometimes fratties talk; but always leave them wanting more)

More on teasing to come, bitches. As always XOXO

10 Random Rules of Class

1. Thou shalt always wear letters while working out- other sorostitutes are jealous/guilty, GDI's know to stay away and PNM's love it.

2. Have a signature drink. Even if it is Natty, White Zin from a box or (god forbid) Smirnoff Ice, it set's you apart from a girl who will take anything. Preferably your drink is something people are impressed by or shows your personality, but if you are a PBR girl, own it.

3. Never wear the same outfit to chapter twice. Ever.

4. Never be tagged in pictures where you are wearing the same outfit. Change your hair, accessories, or swap dresses but never look poor.

5. Never admit to stalking. We all know you stalk fratdaddies. Their ex's. Your sister's biffer from home. That dude from the bar. Just don't admit to it. A true slampiece doesn't have time for that shit.

6. If someone cries, its time to go home. If one of your girls is at the crying stage of drinking....go home.

7. Always be wearing pearls, Tiffany's necklace or similar. Nothing says sloppy like no jewelry.  (Note: Theme party exception)

8. Hungover? Tired? Woke up late? Didn't make it to get your brows done? Big Sunglasses.

9. Never text a guy first. If he asked for your number, don't look desperate and text him. Guys who get your number from a 3rd party are losers and should be avoided.

10. Absolutely no GDI's.