Stories for slampieces

Monday, September 13, 2010

Insight for every sorostitute who finds herself below the Mason Dixon Line

Here’s a few pointers for any sorostitute who finds herself below the Mason Dixon Line and feeling out of place.

Sweet Tea- drink it, own it, love it. If you are below the Mason Dixon Line, you must drink sweet tea. If you don’t like it, order half sweet/half unsweet and blame it on the calories.

Chick fil a- it aint real if its in the north. It used to be a jewel in the south but the north has stolen it, so now the only true chicken and biscuits in the south come from Bojangles.

Cowboy boots- they match everything. Don’t ask me if it’s acceptable to wear them with that sundress because the answer is always yes.

Lilly dresses- get one, it will go perfectly on daddy’s amex. There are plenty of fakes out there so take your pick but it better be good because I (and every other good southern belle) can spot a bad fake Lilly from a mile away.

Jack Rogers- this is a staple in every southern sorostitutes wardrobe. Jack Rogers look good on everyone, with every outfit, and next to every frat daddy’s Sperrys. Its hard to find fakes so good luck, but if you do, more power to you (and feel free to share the knowledge with the rest of us).

Rainbows- when you are hung over the next morning and you go to put on your nike running shorts and your TKE toga party tshirt, every southern belle must have her go to rainbows to slip on her perfectly tanned and manicured feet.

Accents- own it. If you have a southern accent, take it as God’s blessing, but if you don’t then please don’t give me a headache with your sad attempt to cover up your Midwestern slurs.

Vineyard Vines- every southern belle needs an embroidered whale. work on it.

College football- a proper southern belle has an entire closet designated only for her tailgating attire in the colors of her school. dresses, skirts, and tops. Tailgates are a fashion show for all the southern sorostitutes to show off their fashion knowledge and school support, often sporting a pin with their sorority on it. If you are truly a southern belle, you will NEVER repeat a tailgate outfit, and save the jeans and tshirts for basketball season.

Monograms- how many things to you have monogrammed? Your towels, your koozies, your drink ware, your longchamp and your vineyard vines tote? Get to work because if you questioned any of the previously mentioned items you have a lot of monogramming to do.

Koozies- keep at least two koozies in your bag at all times. No one likes a warm beer (sorry functional alcoholic, it’s the south and tailgates don’t come with wine and cocktails). So update your koozie collection with koozies containing fraternity letters, your sorority symbol (don’t drink in your letters, its tacky), your initials (monograms duh), and all things classy.

Also, clean your mouth out with soap. No southern fratty wants to hear a southern belle hollering dirty words. Be polite, put on a smile (whiten your teeth first), and always stay classy.


  1. I have a question. I was born in the north but moved to the south when I was like 8 and I like Richmond better then Greenwich anyway...why do southerners like Vineyard Vines? I like it, but then I thought southerners hated northern things.

  2. Vineyard Vines is incredibly fratty. Not to mention being on the east coast has a special place in our hearts <3