It’s Friday night and nothing is looking better right now than the next four beers and the perfectly snazzy outfit from Goodwill. Not only does it go with the night’s cowboy theme, but it also has a ticket in its pocket—a ticket to the poundtown express. Every good fratstar knows that when a sorostitute invites you to a social event because “she wants someone who will have a good time,” she means she is going to blow your brains out at the end of the night. If you have troubles hopping on the train in time, you are either a pledge or a GDI because you certainly have no game and have no clue how to get Sigma Sarah to get horizontal by bar close. So, for those of you who aren’t so inclined to take advantage of drunken sorority girls, this one is for you.
Each type of social event carries a certain stigma about hooking up, the first being a date party. The title saying it all—it’s a DATE party. If the sorostitute asked you to go, things are looking good. However, be warned that date parties can get awkward if the right amount of booze/ atmosphere are not provided. Therefore, it is necessary that enough pregaming with hard, dark liquor take place. Give your sorostitute a few shots of whiskey and she will be good to go before you know it.
The next best event is semi-formal. Semi-formal is the ultimate shit show of the year. She will spend hours planning what she is going to talk to you about, what perfume she is going to wear, and where to hide a condom for a quickie in the bathroom (only to forget everything if she is drunk enough). Be warned, if she gets too drunk it’s night over, so try to stick to vodka or beer. Functional alcoholic also advises vodka because it is easy to sneak in your purse/ coat and makes up for the cals you waste eating finger foods.
Depending on the year, formal is either the best time you don’t remember or the average time you were sober. The best advice is to scope out the scene, the venue, the invited guests, and the pre-party before committing to formals. Not every formal date ends up getting it in because of rules, alumni, and the silly sorostitute trying to be “classy.”
Really, you are starting to see a common theme. GET THE GIRL DRUNK. Challenge her to flip cup, complement her drinking skills, tell her something nice (I know it’s hard, but do it for the bang), and remember that a good sorostitute is already two steps ahead of you to the bedroom door.