Stories for slampieces

Friday, October 22, 2010

Caught In a Bad Ho-Mance

When joining a sorority, not only do you bind yourself to a lifetime of sisterhood, but once you’ve become initiated, you finally earned the ultimate title of a Sorostitute. It’s every girl’s dream since childhood, growing up and trying on your mother’s heels and pearls. Once officially in the chapter you gain dozens upon dozens of sisters, and then there are particular ones you really get close with. They become your best friends; the kind who bring out the best in you and can’t live without. They’re like adderall, you need them in your life to survive college. They are your soul mates. The ones who will stand up at your wedding.

Now it came across my attention that I couldn’t put a label on this relationship. There is a label for mostly all relationships that comes to mind, but this intense kind of friendship is lacking such. So I brought it upon myself to discover what this exclusive label should be. After several glasses of wine, I began my approach. I thought of numerous possibilities such as girlfriends – sounds like the perfect label for GDIs, girl-on-girl – trashy, porno, not classy enough for our standards, and girl-mates – that just sounds dumb. This was harder than I expected (that’s what she said).

I felt like I needed to dig deeper, so I decided to pour another glass of wine and really submerge myself into this challenge. It hit me, the buzz yes, but also a light bulb went off in my head. I need to think WWBD. What Would Bros Do? That’s it! I need to explore all that encompasses none other than a BROMANCE. The term bromance describes the unconditional love between two or more straight men. Bros do everything together. They shop, eat, and drink. They give you their honest opinions if the color your polo doesn’t coordinate with the color Sperry’s you have on. They’re your wingman who helps you hand out one-way tickets to the pound town express when out looking for slampieces. Sorostitutes pretty much do the same just in the opposite form.

So you may be wondering where in all of my explorations I found the perfect sorostitute label on best friends. While I was breaking down the structure of a bromance, coincidentally the mind-blowing song, Bad Romance, by Lady GaGa began to play. By this point I consumed an entire bottle of wine, but I believe it only helped me solve the answer to my dilemma. The song is just too infectious, you can’t help but sing every lyric. The chorus came about, and it was like an epiphany

Oh, caught in a bad romance.
Oh, caught in a bad bromance.
Oh, caught in a bad HO-mance!

It all just happened. It was unexpected. A Ho-mance is what I shall call it. Therefore, a ho-mance describes the unconditional love between two or more straight women; Sorostitutes to be more specific. They do everything together. They shop, skip meals, and drink together. They will save you from any fratdaddy unworthy of your time. They jump on grenades for you. They’re the ones who will be there at the end of the night to hold your hair back while praying to the porcelain Jesus. They will encourage you to make good decisions, and watch your belligerent self make bad ones. They will pick you up in the morning from a fraternity house you spent the night shacking up in with some fratdaddy just so you won’t have to do the walk of shame. Most importantly they will always be there for you no matter what.

So cheers to white wine and bros all across the nation, and a very special thanks to Lady GaGa.


  1. excuse me, I'm sorry to burst the bubble,but my roommate (and sister) and I came up with literally this exact label - homance- over a year ago. old news! but creative nonetheless :)

  2. and you think girlfriends is trashy....

  3. LOVE THIS!!! thought your blog was great and creative and can imagine myself doing the exact same thing!