Stories for slampieces

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Gotta Love the Holidays

So, with family Christmas parties right around the corner, we all must address the elephant in the room. Now, I normally don’t do such things seeing that I try to be genuinely nice to everyone (lies) and that I have more Christmas spirit than Slampiece herself (lies again), but, nonetheless, it needs to be taken care of. Yes, I am talking about the WORST part of the holidays— dealing with the GDI cousins.

Let’s set the stage shall we? You walk in and ugly Christmas sweaters abound the room. Grandmother dearest is sipping scotch on the rocks in the corner chair, complaining about something per usual. You turn to the left and cousin Ashley is stuffing her face with spinach dip. Is she preggers again? Is she even married? Some fatty walks by completely unrecognizable. Must be cousin Scott’s newest knocked-up slampiece. Has anyone here heard of Plan B?!? Avoid creepy uncle avoid creepy uncle avoid oh heyyyy dip into the bathroom.

Okay, so you’ve escaped to the bathroom and your hair looks great. You know right when you walk out that wanna-be-queen-bee herself cousin Becky will ask you all about going Greek and not so casually mention how she is soooo excited to go to the same school as you next year. (She’s already been put on the “list.”) Overall, everyone is acting idiotically and you are neither tipsy enough nor patient enough to deal with it. You retreat to the corner and bbm.

You and I alike still don’t understand why grandma thinks they are so wonderful. “They” being the geed cousins. Regardless, I have a few pointers to ensure you keep your calm and class while dealing with those pesky cousins:

1. - Don’t act like you’re better than them. It will just piss them off more.

2. - Try not to wear you absolute newest jewels and certainly nothing they envy. Look significantly better than them, but make it effortless.

3. - No need to talk about your sorority. They won’t understand and it just gives them more material to talk shiz about you behind your back. If the youngins want to rush, give them the general advice “be yourself” “

4. - Only bring up your boyfriend/slampiece/fratslam/crush if they bring up the opposite sex first. You don’t want to sound like you’re a braggin liar when you pull out the “Oh, Preston is a fourth generation mogul living in his fraternity house this year. He has a 3.70, does community service on the reg, and gave me a Yurman bracelet for Christmas.” You see what I mean?

5. - When all else fails, hit the booze hard.

I really don’t like Christmas time that much. The decorations give me anxiety because I hate knick-knacks and such. Not to mention too many temptations around sweet treats and tasty tid bits. But the cousins are frankly the worst. You and I can get through this. And if we can’t, there is always enough cognac to go around.

Marry Christmas babies,

Xoxo Tease


  1. "Avoid creepy uncle avoid creepy uncle avoid oh heyyyy dip into the bathroom"
    best part. so funny. so true.

  2. #3 is the best advice. None of my GDI family understands what a big deal my sorority is

  3. So great to get a Tease post! I love Slampiece's posts, but it's always great getting other voices too.

  4. You have "Christmas" in the "Things We Like"...?

  5. LOL...and unfortunately it doesn't get better as you get older...yep, "they" are still around AND you get your sweet hubs side of the family version...:-/