Avoiding the Awkward Slampiece

So you did the unthinkable? You hooked up with a GDI, a good friend, or a random, and now you have to see him walking around and going to class (when you actually attend). How must a good tease avoid such interactions while maintaining her reputation on campus?

Unfortunately, I have drunkenly dabbled in GDIs more then once. I seem not only to lose my balance, my phone, and shoes when I drink, but I also lose my standards. As if having to live with your poor life decisions isn’t bad enough, now your sisters are going to find out. You may never live this down. Or it may fade into the makeout oblivion. Here are a few tips I have gathered from my awkward encounters:

· Consider changing your route to class if you run into him. It may seem silly but not having that awkward stare down is worth it.

· Have a class together? Leave it to the head-nod/smile for the first couple weeks (if he initiates the head-nod of course) after the hookup. It will eventually fade into stranger status, which is good.

· If you are with your sisters, in a group, or even with one other girl- make no recognition of his existence.

· At a bar or party, do not be tempted by the sweet confidence brought on by booze. This is dangerous territory because you may want to go up and say hi, or try to make out with him again. Chances are you do not want anyone to know you fell into the deep abyss which is repeating your mistakes, so try and distract yourself with your friends, making friends with the bartender, or an new man—all at arms length.

· If you are friends with the guy, this is very simple. You just pretend nothing ever happened. Deny. Deny. Deny.

· Sunglasses!! BIG BEAUTFUL SHADES= NO EYE CONTACT. Look good and keep your DIGNITY.

It’s nothing to be embarrassed about when you run into the awkward slampiece. As a matter of fact, as long as you pretend it doesn’t bother you, there is really no loss. Needless to say, the BEST way to avoid an awkward slampiece is to make good choices before anything can get awkward. But, who are we kidding, that’s never on the agenda ;)

xoxo

Post NYE

I suppose it is time for that after NYE post. And I suppose that you expect that it was a fabulous time of drunken debauchery illustrated by classy parties, chivalrous men, and fine liquor. Well, it wasn’t. As a matter of fact, my NYE was one hot mess. I guess the only place to start is from the beginning:

I arrived at my destination (campus) around 3PM. Ho-mance and I went shopping for last minute outfits at the local mall. It was a madhouse and full of geeds, so we simply had to pick something quickly and get to the important destination- the liquor store. Seeing that she is underage, I sent little Ho-mance to pick up some mixers while I grabbed a bottle of Grey Goose (I mean it was a holiday we needed to be fancy) and 8 bottles of Andre (to negate all class that ensued with the vodka). Surely, it was going to be a rough night.

We threw a fantastic dinner party with the boys and had a spectacular toast. It was time to move to the second party of the evening- the kegger. Nothing out of the ordinary happened besides drunken babble, flirting, party hats, those noisemaker things, beer pong, and pic taking. The third party was a block away and everyone was in the mood to count down the New Year. As girls scrambled around to find their midnight kiss, I sat in the corner with my personal bottle of champagne and guzzled while Ho-mance made out with my good friend. I wasn’t having the random make out tonight because I was being a pretentious bitch.

We moved back to the guys’ house and generally debauchery played out. As we made our way back home, I got a little sad that all my friends were out and about having sex with boyfriends/crushes/one-night-stands and I just wanted to put on my jammies and go to bed. I was spent.

I got a text around 2:36 AM from a guy from my past. And I caved. There is no explanation for why I did. We have been hooking up on and off for the past year and a half, and have sacrificed what used to be a great friendship for effortlessly hooking up. He is THAT exception to the rule. So he came over. He walked in and we quickly said hi as we bolted upstairs to my room. No other words were exchanged before we heavily started making out. Which was all that happened. Really hot, I know. As I faded into a slumber, he went home (apparently he had friends visiting from out of town and left them to be with me).

Between the drunk and the sleeping I managed to take my clothes off to be comfortable. Around 6:30 AM Ho-mance stumbled into my unlocked apartment into my room from her walk of shame. She was “ready for our slumber party!!” I warned her of my nakedness and she passed out without any recognition of my no clothes state. At 9:30 AM I heard the “OH FUCKK WHERE AM I?” coming from my little sister. I told her to shutup and get me a tshirt (she grabbed the Derby Days). We headed to McDonalds to cure our massive headaches and nursed our hangovers all day watching the Bravo network.

So there it was. Drunk, classless, messy, silly. Not necessarily the NYE I imagined, but nonetheless at least I did not blackout? I suppose I couldn't have expected much... after all, I AM a sorostitute.

xoxo Tease

New Year's Eve

Seeing that it is the only day that it is appropriate to wear a full on sparkle outfit, New Year’s Eve is certainly a great night for any sorostitute. However, I have personally made some NYE mistakes that I certainly do NOT want anyone else to make. I mean, let’s be honest, give us a sequins mini dress, a bottle of bubbly, and night where makeouts and blowing those noisy things until you nearly pass out is socially acceptable and we have a disaster on our hands.

One year, I was so desperate to kiss with someone at midnight that I spent the whole night scoping the parties and bars I was at. I did not pay attention to my drink intake and as a result ending up not remembering the countdown!! I ended up being attacked with tongue by some random guy against my will. Ewww. Upon getting home, a friend of a friend couldn’t keep her shiz together so I became the hair holder while she prayed to the porcelain Jesus. Overall, it was a really and successful fun night on sorostitute terms ;)

We must be mindful to not blackout this NYE. I am making a pledge to myself to keep it classy. Only one bottle of champagne must be consumed per girl. NO RANDOM MAKEOUTS. And it goes without saying

ABSOLUTELY NO GDI’S. NO DANCING, FLIRTING, KISSING. PERIOD.

What are your NYE resolutions? What are your stories? Comment below!!

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xoxo sorostitutes

Ghosts of boyfriends past

been visited by multiple ghosts of exes past in the recent weeks. Sign i've been too much of a relationship scrooge recently?

A tweet by one of our followers that made me think about how much I love these moments...again I hope you realize I'm kidding. You sit and ask yourself my is my subconscience bringing these moments back to me. Like yesterday I had a dream about my ex-fratdaddy's fraternity. I never really ever dreamed about them in the past because though he and I dated, my heart really belonged to another group of fratdaddies. I then realized that I've had several dreams that the ex's have popped up in and then with further thinking realized that several men of my past have popped back into my life.

So why do men decide they need to pop back into our lives? Here are a few of my experiences...

1. There exists the very odd occassion of actually wanting to be friends. In this case the relationship was actually one of those movie/tv like break-ups inwhich you realized you're meant to be friends. I personally don't entirely believe that this is a real event, but I've heard about it. So after the proper amount of we're awkward around each other time you can once again enter each other's lives.

2. Then there's the "hasn't gotten any action as good as you since your break-up" or worse "he hasn't gotten any at all". In this instance said sir is gonna try and weasle his way back into your life to get another drunken hook-up because he knows you're not dumb enough to do anything sober. This is normally seen through comments that are asking what you're up to, or haven't seen you out in a while. He tries to be friendly, but you can tell her's reaching.

3. He's that old hook-up that you never actually committed to. He's back either to hook-up again for the good time, or he's back to try and get you to commit again. If we wouldn't commit the first time and have spent time apart odds are we won't wanna commit again. If the hook-up was fun why not give it another whirl. Who doesn't love a good hook-up?

4. One of my favorite reasons a guy comes back is he has moved on to another girl...and "she's perfect", "everything he could hope for in a girl". He's now back to shove it in your face. This is where you love your sisters because they come in to tell you that you're so much prettier than her, that she's a down grade, and that you can do so much better than him. I mean of course we've moved on too, but if not this is where you pull your best fratdaddy guy friend (a life must have) to pretend to be your new beau that you're pursuing...if he knows the fratdaddy friend use one of BFDF's (best fratdaddy friend) friends as a cover.

4a. He's coming back into your life because he has recently become acquainted with one of your sisters and is interested in her. In this instance he is asking your approval...not that he really cares but just so he doesn't end up with about 20 beers on his head the next time he's out. Because we know as girls that the first girl always gets the sympathy, the second girl is a bitch, and hell hath no fury like a sorority girl towards a guy that has screwed over her friend.

5. He hears you have found a new fratdaddy so he decides he needs to scope out the new sir and voice his opinions. I personally take this as a compliment; it means he's still not over you and that you still have around your little finger.

6. And finally probably the most amusing...his fraternity is doing a philanthropy event and he needs to buy a ticket or show up and support them. So he's gonna play like a sorority girl and put on that fake smile to get you to support him so he doesn't look bad infront of the bros.

How to Hookup with a Sorostitute at a Social

It’s Friday night and nothing is looking better right now than the next four beers and the perfectly snazzy outfit from Goodwill. Not only does it go with the night’s cowboy theme, but it also has a ticket in its pocket—a ticket to the poundtown express. Every good fratstar knows that when a sorostitute invites you to a social event because “she wants someone who will have a good time,” she means she is going to blow your brains out at the end of the night. If you have troubles hopping on the train in time, you are either a pledge or a GDI because you certainly have no game and have no clue how to get Sigma Sarah to get horizontal by bar close. So, for those of you who aren’t so inclined to take advantage of drunken sorority girls, this one is for you.

Each type of social event carries a certain stigma about hooking up, the first being a date party. The title saying it all—it’s a DATE party. If the sorostitute asked you to go, things are looking good. However, be warned that date parties can get awkward if the right amount of booze/ atmosphere are not provided. Therefore, it is necessary that enough pregaming with hard, dark liquor take place. Give your sorostitute a few shots of whiskey and she will be good to go before you know it.

The next best event is semi-formal. Semi-formal is the ultimate shit show of the year. She will spend hours planning what she is going to talk to you about, what perfume she is going to wear, and where to hide a condom for a quickie in the bathroom (only to forget everything if she is drunk enough). Be warned, if she gets too drunk it’s night over, so try to stick to vodka or beer. Functional alcoholic also advises vodka because it is easy to sneak in your purse/ coat and makes up for the cals you waste eating finger foods.

Depending on the year, formal is either the best time you don’t remember or the average time you were sober. The best advice is to scope out the scene, the venue, the invited guests, and the pre-party before committing to formals. Not every formal date ends up getting it in because of rules, alumni, and the silly sorostitute trying to be “classy.”

And for the flat out fuck fest, we invented exchanges. There is not much to say about these events, other than drink as much booze as you possibly can. Give the sorostitute nearly any kind of liquor and mix it with a few frat waters, and the next thing you know you’re making out in the fratcastle basement. Dance with her a little bit and offer to give her a tour of wherever you are so you can make your move. I’ve personally seen the Sigma Chi house three times…and three different bedrooms. Exchanges take nearly no effort and are a guaranteed win!

Really, you are starting to see a common theme. GET THE GIRL DRUNK. Challenge her to flip cup, complement her drinking skills, tell her something nice (I know it’s hard, but do it for the bang), and remember that a good sorostitute is already two steps ahead of you to the bedroom door.